Goal and setting a new goal

So I FINALLY lost those last few pounds, turns out bumping my calories up past 1000 and adding more water (and actually drinking it) did the trick. Now because I am crazy and always have to have something going on I am on to my next adventure.

As long as I finish the Marine Corps 17.75k race I will be guaranteed access to register to the Marine Corps Marathon. This means I have 3:30 to run 11.03 miles. I figure that isn’t such a big deal right? I have ran a half before in 2:58 with no training so as long as I fuel my body with enough water and carbs and protein I should be good to go. The best part is, the hubs is running it with me!! I am so excited to share this with him. But I am also nervous, I always PR when I am running by myself so hopefully won’t be a whimp with him by my side.

I have been loosely training, but with this race you can’t register until a few weeks before so for the past month was feeling discouraged about training for nothing- so my longest runs have been like 6 miles- so I better up the training. This weekend I have a mud run (which we all know is less running and more sloping through obstacles and mud) so on Saturday I will do that and on Sunday I will embark on what I hope turns out to be a 10 mile run. I haven’t decided if I want to do the run 3 walk 1 method or just straight run. Guess we will see what I feel like when it is time.

I am so excited to see where this new challenge takes me and so thankful for the gift that I was given. Yes it is HARD at times, carbs can really go down easy- and not drinking throughout the day really allows me to overeat, but as long as I stay committed to myself and my plan, I will be ok. NO make that better than ok!

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Fall (wait it is Winter now) Update

So the pounds aren’t melting off, I fluctuate between 153 & 155 it seems (when I was young it was like I was in grade school and then I was 152 until I got pregnant with Korbin). So I think my body it saying, yep we’re done loosing weight now. That is ok, I REALLY want to hit 147 and I am still trying.

I am still running and hitting up the gym nearly every day of the week. They charge for classes which in the past made me feel bad for taking money away from the family to go workout, but now I realize that working out actually helps the family. My time spent in the gym makes me sane! I think the gym didn’t consider how many children are suffering during Christmas Break due to the classes begin cancelled.

In other fitness news I am actually legitimately training for a spring half, I haven’t committed to one yet as I have my eye on a race that is very hard to get into. If I can get into that I will be stoked if I can’t I will be doing a localish one here, one in May and one in September and hopefully a full in October.

My last pair on yoga pants that I have been hanging onto are officially too big, they won’t stay up. It is so weird, I got those pants when I started loosing weight years ago and felt skinny and sexy in them.

I had a strange thing happen, I was in a parking lot looking for a lost retainer and one of the shop owners came out and asked what I was looking for, I said something and he said did you lose some drugs?! The hubs said well usually people who look like you do drugs so that isn’t really a weird question. Now I am having a whole new set of insecurities.

These insecurities have led me down some dark paths, I have started hiding and eating. I know this is one thing I did to get me to where I was in the past so this has to stop. It was weird when the hubs was gone I didn’t have all of these problems. I feel like I need to hide and snack and our meal schedule is crazy leaving me eating stuff from the pantry to snack on instead of meals. I think because his eating is so messed up it screws with the whole family (especially since he is home ALL THE TIME right now). He won’t eat for nearly an entire day and then drink 4-5 Mt. Dews and a handful of candy. I find myself eating a ton of carbs and feeling crappy most of the time.

I have noticed that when I eat carbs or crappy foods for an entire day I get a pain in the middle of my stomach (where the pain was when I had gallbladder problems) ugh. So much I have to change- at least he leaves again in a few weeks and I should get back on track then. I also know that I am not owning my problems, they are completely my own doing. I don’t have to snack and eat crap, I choose to because it is easier and I don’t feel that rejection when a dinner I made isn’t eaten because they aren’t hungry from eating crazy. I need to do like I have always done and just take care of myself and the kids and forget him, but that is hard.

So I am going to be accountable, I am going to start getting my water in and lowering my carbs. I don’t want to break my tool. My calories are still at 800-1000 depending on how much exercise I do but the majority are junk calories. I need to fuel my body with good things not crap. Great time of year to have to re-commit huh?

My feet hurt from kicking so much ass!

Right now I am sitting on the couch eating pepperoni and trying to figure out how I can tape my feet up for my photo shoot this afternoon, pretty shoes and a feet full of blisters is not going to be fun… or sexy. I however am so proud and grateful for my fucked up feet. This weekend I ran (and finished) my first ever half marathon! WHAT?!

This time last year I was still struggling with being tired all the time (and juggling home, school, internship, food and exercise). It is hard to believe. My training sucked I think the most I ever logged was probably like 6; maybe 7 one day I forgot to set my app and ran for a super long time. I figured that is close to a half and with some encouragement from some friends I committed.

I was super worried about fueling my body, so I turned to the only resource I have for stuff like that; Womack Nutrition Clinic. I am sad to admit my experience getting ahold of them was less than stellar. I called about 2 weeks prior to my race and left a voice mail, 3 days later I got a call back but unfortunately I was in the middle of a kettle bell class so I couldn’t talk (I always answer NC numbers b/c I am terrified it is the school calling about one of the minions). She said to call her back at the number on my caller ID at 2:30 so I did, except the number was the hospital switchboard. So I did what any sane individual would do, I called the NUT office. This is where I begin to get angry, I don’t think there is an option to actually speak with someone so I left a message. I waited a few days and no call so I left another message, waited a few days and by now folks it is getting down to the wire… guess what?! No message. So I called again and instead of being like I have a few questions please return my call, I said listen I am running a half in 2 days and don’t know how to fuel my body PLEASE GET BACK TO ME. Guess what?! They didn’t get back to me.

While I was awaiting my call from my trusted NUT (can I mention that I DESPERATELY miss JOY?!!!) I researched online. There isn’t a ton of info about distance running nutrition and WLS patients. I couldn’t really find many published articles and most of the information I found was from other WLS patients and their trial and errors or “normal” people who say it is totally cool to carb load before a race, go big or go home right?! (did I mention my bought of reactive hypoglycemia yet?!).

What I ended up doing was DRINKING, DRINKING, DRINKING, all week long (sorry folks not the good stuff, just water, coconut water and a powered zero… AAANNNNNNDDDD maybe a few decaf iced coffees of which I made at home so they are totes healthy right?! On Thursday I started adding in some more carbs (I tried to make healthy choices and fun choices… hello apple pie bagel and peanut butter!). On Friday I didn’t really count anything I just drank and ate- I made sure to mix my carbs with protein and felt pretty well. Saturday morning I was torn- I usually gobble up a protein bar before a run (well ok, I usually eat 1/2 and the other half gets consumed after). But the bars I had this week (Quest) have some fiber in them and I really didn’t want to encourage intestinal issues. I decided to go with a food I haven’t eaten yet, I made a bowl of oatmeal with my lactaid milk, then I added in 1 TBS of PB2 and cut up a banana. I was able to eat a little less than half but I felt pretty good- I did this about 2 hours before the race. Then when I pulled in to go check in I ate 2 pieces of turkey lunch meat, I brought almonds to eat with it but I was super full still from breakfast and had to force myself to eat the turkey. I brought my camelback with water and a protein bar but decided that I didn’t want that as a distraction (especially since we had something like 5 or 6 water stations set up along the trail.

For the first half I only stopped running at the water stations- I hit a wall nearly at mile 6 because the turn around point was further than I thought it was and felt like I was going to have to run all the way to the beach or something crazy like that! But it turns out we stopped right before the “top secret mountains” as the minions call them! I stopped for a while there and drank some gaterade (still debating if I should skip the gaterade next time and just do the H2O b/c I started to feel a little too sugary). I felt pretty good and ran with a group of girls training for the MCM we did rounds of rung 4 walk 2 and I felt renewed. They started doing some speed work so I was eventually left behind but I kept my pace up pretty well and continued to do the run 4 walk 2. Around mile 8 had a moment of I can’t do this, I have never ran this far, but a group of girls drove by wearing a horse mask ringing a cattle bell so I felt better and kept it up. At mile 11 I noticed that my knee was popping with every step but it didn’t hurt, my feet on the other hand were KILLING me. I wanted to quit, the water cooler was out of water at that station and only had giant bottles of water- I didn’t want to waste an entire bottle but I needed a drink so I opened one up took a drink and chipmunked a mouthful of water for later and kept going (this was when I could see the barracks at the end of the road I WAS ALMOST IN THE HOME STRETCH!!! So I decided to keep going- why quit now when I was so close.

At mile 12 I imagined my feet bloody and bruised and the Firework came on, and I started to cry a little- I am special, I am doing this, I may be all alone but I have me and I worth it, I need to finish this for me. (I know I am lame… but whateves). Then I got to the end of the street ready to turn down my last stretch of hard road before the finish line at the water. I can’t remember what song came on because I didn’t even hear it, I knew my kids were waiting for me at the finish. I had to finish strong for them, so I booked it. That last little over a mile was nearly as fast as my first 6.

As I turned off the hard road and onto the gravel of the park where the finish was I saw 6 kids- 3 were screaming my name and 3 were screaming Mommy. I lost it- I somehow found my “super sonic blast” and ran, then greeted me and ran with me to the finish. I was holding back tears because dude I was in front of people I didn’t want to cry like a giant baby, but by holding back everyone I think thought something was super wrong with me. I hugged the kids and went to sit down on the playground, after I sat down I looked at the clock 2:58. Not great but not too shabby if I say so myself!

The oldest minion was amazing, he didn’t leave my side for probably the first 20 minutes after I got done. And honestly when I finally stopped running I listened to my body (didn’t have to try to shard, b/c she was screaming) I had nearly pushed myself too far and needed food. Bless the hearts of the volunteers (and my friends who were there) within minutes I had friends running to get me some protein food- I ended up eating a bag of something with cashews and a half of a pb and banana sandwich. I stopped the cold sweats and the worlds stopped spinning a few min after I devoured that and then all was well.

I had a great experience, I feel so blessed that I have been given this new chance. A year ago a half-marathon was not even a dream really, it was kind of one of those maybe someday… but now I have went from not being able to run even 30 seconds to running a half (and not really walking that much at all!). I feel like this run really healed me, I had a lot of time alone with my body since I didn’t run with a partner that I knew- yeah there were 6 of us who were in the same area for the entire run but in the beginning I was ahead of them by a bit and by the end they were ahead of me by a bit. So I didn’t chit chat or anything. I feel like some of the fractured pieces of me began healing Saturday- from all of those times when I gave up before I even started because I didn’t want to look silly or was afraid everyone would stare at me, all of those pieces where I said I hated what I had become and even those pieces of shame about having surgery. I feel like I am slowly knitting myself back together. I was always a whole person, I just didn’t recognize it all of the time.

Around mile 11 I was saying this is my last half- no way am I doing this again- even my arms were tired! But waking up yesterday feeling great (except these darn feet) I can see maybe a free more halfs in my future. 1377297_10205227714232657_5224600602367496477_n 10628128_10105477442064074_5211401284391343031_n 10629675_10205227787154480_614722023657775856_n 10155651_10205227482026852_3967376373087402876_n 10665885_10205227658631267_5820167034721099718_n

Non-food celebrations

I am a food celebrator… a bad test score, a good test score, a bad mom day, a good mom day, sunny day celebrations, just because it is pay day celebrations, of course the big 5 (birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter), first day of school, last day of school, monthly deployment countdowns… ok you get the picture I like to celebrate with food. However that isn’t always healthy (ok pretty much it isn’t healthy; especially when the go-to’s are dark chocolate hazelnut or marzipan ritter sports, ice cream, coffee, baked goods…). I not only have me to think about, I have children who are learning to think about. So I thought posting a few ideas of non-food celebrations would be good. If anyone is reading feel free to post your own!

-bike ride

-walk (on the beach= even better!)

– massage (ok, so that is on my to-do list)

– new article of clothing (alright, so most of my clothing treats have been running related…jus sayin)

-a new cheesy book on the kindle (I may or may not be reading dinosaur erotica…)

-a trip to the movie theater by yourself or with friends (even better when you go by yourself and run into friends!!!)

-healthy treats (so for me a carrot stick will NEVER, I repeat NEVER feel like a treat; but a Nature’s Fuel bar, Quest cookie dough bar or power crunch mint bar will always feel so naughty!)

-find an ice-cream maker, wait, run to buy a countertop ice cream maker. For those days when I just want a creamy treat I pull out my protein powered and some regular silk soy milk and put it in my magic machine- in about 7 minutes I will have a soft serve texture of healthy ice cream- I usually add in chopped up nuts and/or sugar free caramel syrup and/or torani or davincii sugar free syrups. super good!!!!

ummm thats it, I know I said no food treats but…

http://www.davincigourmet.com/products/sugar_free_flavored_syrups/

http://naturesfuelbars.com

http://www.questnutrition.com

http://powercrunch.com

http://www.cuisinart.com/products/ice_cream/ice-21.html

http://www.si03.com/shop1/index.php?id_product=38&controller=product&id_lang=1

http://shop.torani.com/Sugar-Free-Pumpkin-Pie-Syrup/p/TOR-372664&c=Torani@SugarFreeSyrups@Holiday

How did I miss my anniversary?! (probably shouldn’t celebrate my WLS anniversary with cake right?!)

Well I must say, my journey to my first year as a sleeved gal has been bumpy. Not that it was extremely hard, or felt extremely long. Yes there was a learning curve and from memory I honestly can say it wasn’t that bad. As I read old posts I am reminded of all of the struggles I dealt with. I am humbled by my journey, and while I celebrated my first year quietly at home with a bike ride and picnic with my favorite monsters and with a phone call from the hubs (who is STILL a world away) I can say I am happy to be where I am.  I am thankful for the life this surgery has given me. Sure I had a life before, but I love being active again. I still LOVE food, I just know my limits (and on those days when I decide to test them I am reminded how grateful I am for restriction and the signs of a “pre-dump”!).

No I didn’t get down to my personal lowest goal of 147, but I did hit 150 so that is pretty cool! I celebrated my re-birthday month by running 3, 5k’s with another 3 planned for September 2 for October as well as a 10k for October. I also have added in more classes from the gym like zumba, total athletic conditioning (still can’t move from that one) and of course my beloved kettle bells (when I am not so sore from TAC!).

This fall/winter I am also facing a homecoming; this has me super nervous. Will he like the “newish” me? Will I be too bony?! Will I weigh less than him?!! (as of now YES!!!!!!!!). Will he adjust to our new active lifestyle? Will we all adjust to being a family again? Some of these questions are the same whether it is your first deployment or your 7th, but add in the changes in my body and mind from my surgery and I am going to need some anxiety meds! (just kidding…well maybe not!).

In other exciting news, my parents are coming to visit (YAY!!!). This is great, and while my mom isn’t generally supportive (oh I didn’t bring you anything because I wasn’t sure what you were allowed to eat- um mom anything except dairy and I can even have a little bit of that now thanks!). My dad is awesome and is willing to eat with me as well as exercise with me (ok so he probably won’t be going to kettle bells but he will take walks with me; and maybe we can put mom on the bike trailer and go for a bike ride (insert her disapproving glance here!). I always find it hard to be around family now, I think b/c eating is so huge to them; and while it is huge to me it doesn’t rule my life anymore.

If I could tell newly post-op me one thing it would be stop comparing your journey to everyone else’s. Each person is different, and do what feels right to you. If you get too tired to exercise that is ok; there will be a time when you have plenty of energy to enjoy exercise as well as ensure that you are doing it properly. Enjoy the little things, saver those tiny sips, those tiny bites. And embrace this phase, it is all about learning about and listening to your body.

I have had the privilege of helping 4 other girls here start their journey, with an additional few others who inquired about it through a mutual family friend. It is a big decision and one that shouldn’t be taken lightly; but I am so happy with my decision. I feel like a new person both inside and out. Yes I still see the old me sometimes when I look in the mirror but that is ok, because regardless of what I think I see I know I feel better.

peace and love my dear sistas-

Almost a year

This time last year I was crying at the food court in Fort Bragg b/c I couldn’t find any clear broth to “eat” while my family ate lunch. This time last year my rock, my best friend ran to the shoppette to buy a chicken and star soup to go cup so I could “eat” with my family instead of feeling isolated watching them eat while I was crashing hard on full clear liquids. 

This year I took at 6 mile bike ride with my two youngest monsters and ate a snack by the water. I must admit I am feeling a little raw. Not a lot of people knew about my surgery, but those who did really didn’t call to check on me. When my friends are in the hospital, ill or going through something I make the effort to check on them. Of course I am not expecting them to remember I went through something life-changing a year ago on next Tuesday but a part of me really wants someone to just check on me. 

I feel like this is such a milestone, that it needs to be recognized that I should celebrate myself for not only taking a huge leap of faith but for succeeding. This surgery doesn’t fix your mind, it doesn’t erase the want, the “need”, the desire for naughty food. But what it does do it make me consider what I put into my mouth (ha, ha, ha thank you I will be here all week…). Today I decided that I wanted chocolate. I ate 5 dove promises chocolates, but I made sure I ate them after I ate my protein and I spit out most of the last one because I was just done. 

I love My fitness pal, it lets me know how I am doing with my food, today after breakfast and snack I still wasn’t under 800 calories b/c of my bike ride so I was able to treat myself. I know if I want something that has no nutritional value I am going to have to work for it. I think that is why tracking is so important; without it I wouldn’t know where I was at. 

I still haven’t decided what I am going to do to mark my anniversary on Tuesday. The hubs recommended at massage and new clothes, but those cost $, so I am thinking about running a 10k or try to do speed work on my 5k, probably will hit up the beach and may take in a movie with my 3 best supporters. This surgery has changed their lives almost as much as it changed mine. We are active, we play together, we swim together. They also remind me that I need to think of Roxy first when I order food, when I am trying to eat quickly. 

When I sat down in my orientation class I was terrified that at 1 year I would be a failure, that I would be exactly where I was when I started, here I am not at 100 lbs lost (but I didn’t have 100 lbs to loose, so that is ok). I am successful, I am making good choices and when I make a bad choice, I don’t beat myself up. I pick myself up and remind me that it is already in the past, my future is in my hands what I choose to do with the coming minutes is up to me. I could keep eating bad food because I can only start over on Mondays, or in the Morning with the mentality that “I already fucked over today, might as well go big or go home” like I used to. 

I hold the key to my success, there are no excuses of traveling is hard to eat healthy, or my kids wanted pizza so I just ate with them, it is my (insert holiday here)…. I am stronger than my addiction to food. Food is great, I love food but I don’t need it like an old friend anymore. The girl who cried as she packed up her Triskets and Wheat Thins is gone and in her ashes a beautiful new woman has risen. 

 

What do I eat?

So when preparing for surgery I went to every bariatric blog I could find and noted the important products, the things that really got used. I discovered that much of what I purchased for immediate post-op was money wasted (well except for my tiny fiesta ware bowls, plates, mug warmer, heating pad and my tiny silverware). For life after surgery there have been a few things that I really have enjoyed, my fiesta ware individual oval casserole dish, my Ninja, my newest purchase of a countertop ice-cream maker, and my lap top lunch bento box.

I have been doing bento boxes for about 5 years now I guess. It works great for the kids because they actually prefer to eat a Lunchable style meal but with fresh fruits and veggies (plus it is SUPER cheap and fun to go to the deli to get the nitrate meat cut thick and thick cut cheese and use my own cookie cutters to make them!). Plus I think the kids like to bring them to school, I make fruit and veggie skewers and have lot of fun making my own yogurt creations out of our favorite Greek Gods Honey yogurt (the possibilities are endless, chocolate syrup, peanut butter, mini chocolate chips, fruits cut up etc…

Now that I can eat more volume of food, I can enjoy a bento box as well. Mine are not as creative right now and I usually eat about half for lunch and the other half for snack but I love it. I am sharing with you pictures of 2 of my bento boxes, they are super easy to throw together and pretty healthy as well.

I love Sam’s castle wood honey ham, it is so good and pretty affordable. So both of these boxes feature this. The first box is 1 cheesestick that has been cut up, I just wrap a piece of lunch meat around it and usually use a toothpick to secure (yes I use a plain old toothpick for mine, I save the cute picks for the kids). I try to add in fruits and veggies as well as a protein-y treat.

IMG_5660

This box has the cheese stick with ham wrapped around it (what you can’t see is the lactaid pills that are required to eliminate the yuck that cheese causes me). The next container is one of my favorite treats (ok so it really doesn’t have any value other than it makes me happy but sometimes you just need to eat some crap) Rex’s Road Crew Crunch, this one was a 4th of July special flavor with white chocolate, dried blueberries and cranberries with cereal pieces- it was AMAZING! The next container down is watermelon- yes I am slightly addicted to it (and celery for some reason this summer, there have been worse addictions in my life). Next to my watermelon is my calcium citrate, I take it with my vitamin D to encourage maximum absorption (and did I mention I have to take this at a different time than my multi? Yes vitamins require organization, sometimes I fail at them but I do my best to get it right at least 5 days a week. The next container was homemade, farm fresh green beans, yes I like to eat them cold… deal with it. I couldn’t finish this whole box, so I ate the meat, green beans and my vitamins for lunch I had the snack mix and the watermelon for snack later.

photo

This box was a yummy creation, I wanted egg salad but was out of mayo and lactaid pills to use regular greek yogurt, so I did the next best thing. I used my pampered chef slicer to “dice” my eggs I added in 1 tsp of sweet chili sauce and put that on a slice of ham and rolled it up (well each slice of ham got 1/2 of the mixture). The next dish had another one of my favorite finds, this one is actually pretty healthy; a Nature’s Fuel ode to almond joy protein (well only half of it). They are relatively high in calories and carbs so they are used as a treat for me and I try to only eat half, but they are made of plant protein are gluten and lactose free (and did I mention that they are DELICIOUS?!). I of course had watermelon in the next one and the final cup had green pepper strips (is it bad that I hid part of the green pepper strips in the back of the refrigerator by my homemade cough syrup so the kids wouldn’t find them and eat them all before I got a chance to eat them?! I ate more of this box because for breakfast I only had had a shake (syntrax nectar latte with lactaid milk). I ate everything except for the watermelon which I will eat for snack later on today. My vitamins are missing from this tray because I used the liquid Wellesse calcium cit/vit d formula. I need to get more of my calcium cit chews.

Speaking of calcium chews, I tried the bariatric brand (can’t remember which one it was a sample) and I dumped it again. I just cannot take those bariatric chewable vitamins, I have tried them 3 times and dumped all 3 times. It doesn’t make sense because I can eat other sweet things and am fine; my bod just hates them for some reason.

I will try to remember to take a picture of my protein ice-cream that I make, it is pretty good and an easy way for me to get in my protein in when I don’t feel like drinking a shake all the time.